When happiness was a misnomer
I knew by the time that I was nine, I wanted to be a nurse. I just knew I wanted to be somewhere helping someone. To this day I'm not sure if was my parents caress or being bullied that led to my decision, perhaps both.
My mom would constantly say, "You're going to college". I was eight and not really sure what college was but I wanted it. They way my mother spoke about it as she paced, it was as if this was a jackpot. I wanted it! I excelled in school. I was always an honors student but couldn't color for nothing! That led to corporal punishment. Yep! The teacher beat me, class, because I went outside the lines. Anywho, I knew I was going to make momma proud and go to college!
So lets see, I had to go to college and I wanted to be a nurse. By nine years of age, I was watching a special on ABC about the prestigious doctor, Dr Ben Carson. Oh my, a new word I thought. H Hmmmm. I wasn't really sure what prestigious was but I wanted that too.😂😂 I put it all together. I'm going to college to be a nurse and I was going to be prestigious. Aaaand, by 9.5, I was kicked out of my gifted and talented class because of a boy. Wait, he hit me, everyday! So finally one day, I socked him. Throughout most of my elementary days, I was considered "bright and estate". What happened next? High school. Yeeeeah, I went downhill. High school was pretty easy don't remember studying much. Things just came easy and for big exams, I'd procrastinate and cram. That worked the first two years of high school but junior and senior years were a bunch of b..ditches!😂 new word. Long story short but completely free of lies. I did not graduate with the best of gpas and I certainly did not do well on my SAT. In fact it was horrible. No, don't ask because I'm not telling.
Got passed high school and went directly to college. Mom was there front and center, very proudly. Oh my goidness, I had sooooo much fun. Whaaat? New found independence. New found friends. I mean some really cool people accepted me, with my crossed-eyes! My friends were like the B-hive too. If anyone were to mess with me, they were bound to attack you before I would. I went to college parties, hung out all night, went to class, hung out all night. Oh I said that already. Somehow, I made time to study. As you can see, it wasn't important at the time. Why? Fear set in. Out of nowhere I just became afraid to succeed. I actually dreamed that I was going to be very successful only to be killed due to envy or, I'd get pricked by needle and get HIV.😭 I believed at one time happiness was a misnomer. I knew it could happen but I also knew it wouldn't be a constant in my life. Because if something good did happen, there would be ten horrible things to come that would offset the one good anomaly.
Eventually, I stopped. I started taking care of my Godson Dawn, who was born with Sickle Cell Anemia. He was all that mattered. I started working and trying to figure another path. Dawn went thru a crisis and that's when clarity struck. I bargained with God that if he would let Dawn survive, I would go back to school and do what he wanted me to do. At 33, I became an RN BAN but mom was gone but it was her dying wish for me to finish! No, I'm not prestigious yet.... Not to most, but I have some angels out there, whose hands I've held in the "11th hour", and my number one, two and three angels, Mom, Vernon(Brother) and Dawn would beg to differ. I'm where I wanted to be by 40 but without all the luxury/material things: Big house, diamond rings or boats. I I truly do #LiveLoveLaugh. I'm happy.
My mom would constantly say, "You're going to college". I was eight and not really sure what college was but I wanted it. They way my mother spoke about it as she paced, it was as if this was a jackpot. I wanted it! I excelled in school. I was always an honors student but couldn't color for nothing! That led to corporal punishment. Yep! The teacher beat me, class, because I went outside the lines. Anywho, I knew I was going to make momma proud and go to college!
So lets see, I had to go to college and I wanted to be a nurse. By nine years of age, I was watching a special on ABC about the prestigious doctor, Dr Ben Carson. Oh my, a new word I thought. H Hmmmm. I wasn't really sure what prestigious was but I wanted that too.😂😂 I put it all together. I'm going to college to be a nurse and I was going to be prestigious. Aaaand, by 9.5, I was kicked out of my gifted and talented class because of a boy. Wait, he hit me, everyday! So finally one day, I socked him. Throughout most of my elementary days, I was considered "bright and estate". What happened next? High school. Yeeeeah, I went downhill. High school was pretty easy don't remember studying much. Things just came easy and for big exams, I'd procrastinate and cram. That worked the first two years of high school but junior and senior years were a bunch of b..ditches!😂 new word. Long story short but completely free of lies. I did not graduate with the best of gpas and I certainly did not do well on my SAT. In fact it was horrible. No, don't ask because I'm not telling.
Got passed high school and went directly to college. Mom was there front and center, very proudly. Oh my goidness, I had sooooo much fun. Whaaat? New found independence. New found friends. I mean some really cool people accepted me, with my crossed-eyes! My friends were like the B-hive too. If anyone were to mess with me, they were bound to attack you before I would. I went to college parties, hung out all night, went to class, hung out all night. Oh I said that already. Somehow, I made time to study. As you can see, it wasn't important at the time. Why? Fear set in. Out of nowhere I just became afraid to succeed. I actually dreamed that I was going to be very successful only to be killed due to envy or, I'd get pricked by needle and get HIV.😭 I believed at one time happiness was a misnomer. I knew it could happen but I also knew it wouldn't be a constant in my life. Because if something good did happen, there would be ten horrible things to come that would offset the one good anomaly.
Eventually, I stopped. I started taking care of my Godson Dawn, who was born with Sickle Cell Anemia. He was all that mattered. I started working and trying to figure another path. Dawn went thru a crisis and that's when clarity struck. I bargained with God that if he would let Dawn survive, I would go back to school and do what he wanted me to do. At 33, I became an RN BAN but mom was gone but it was her dying wish for me to finish! No, I'm not prestigious yet.... Not to most, but I have some angels out there, whose hands I've held in the "11th hour", and my number one, two and three angels, Mom, Vernon(Brother) and Dawn would beg to differ. I'm where I wanted to be by 40 but without all the luxury/material things: Big house, diamond rings or boats. I I truly do #LiveLoveLaugh. I'm happy.
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